I do boot camps almost every weekend, and as a part of that I often take guys out to shop for clothes. In many cases the guy will have really wacky clothes, and I’ll think that he has no concept of what cool clothes look like.
What’s funny though, is that oftentimes I’ll walk into the store and the guy will walk right up to the coolest thing in the store and pick it out without me even suggesting it.
I’ll think to myself “This dude knew exactly what cool clothes looked like all this time, and he never actually bought them?!”
What’s fascinating about this to me is that a lot of guys know exactly what cool clothes look like, what it means to act cool, what it means to have a wicked sense of humor, but on an identity level they just don’t give themselves PERMISSION to take on that identity. They don’t feel congruent with it.
A big thing that I’ve noticed in myself, is that out of my crew I have the least consistent game. I am known for having the most skill (debatable at this point, but either way I have a lot of skill), and yet at the same time on an average I think that I run at a lower consistency than any of my friends.
Often I will look at my friends and I will think that there is simply no way that I could out game them, and I’ll wonder how it could be possible that I’m the one who taught them. I have a similar experiences sometimes when I’m out and I’m having a subpar night, and some girl that I met on a great night will run up to me screaming and freaking out and hugging me. In some ways I feel as though they’re shrieking for a different guy.
What this is in my mind is like a split identity. On a core identity level, there are certain things that trigger me to take on one set of thought and behavior patterns, and certain things that trigger me to take on an entirely different set. It’s interesting to me, because my old patterns have been engrained into me for 22 years, and my new ones for about 3 years. It’s hard to let go of the old patterns.
So for example, I’ll be out during the middle of the day. Maybe buying a CD or getting a bite to eat or something. And my voice will not really project, and I’m chill, and I’m not really being funny. If I see a girl, it can be hard for me to just snap up and approach.
Now if I’m on a workshop, it’s the opposite. I’m in “character”. I have guys all giving me props, and it’s easy for me to take on that role. Likewise, if I’m out with my friends. If I’m out with friends then I’m having fun and I will already be joking around and generating a good social vibe within my group.
I look at most of my friends though, and their personalities are pretty similar when they’re out as to when they’re chilling out during the day. Their personalities are almost identical when he’s at home as when he’s out. There is very little difference.
Mine is different. I’m more reserved and quiet. I have a tendency to be very critical of myself in everything that I do, which causes negative thought loops.
I see that same pattern also come out during workshop, because on many workshops I will get critical on myself and feel like I’m doing a poor job. I felt that way during a speech on a pickup seminar, which was why I had to leave the stage early. I couldn’t get control of the frame from the audience, which left me feeling deflated.
Tonight I was out on workshop with my girlfriend. It’s interesting, because in order to keep a proper relationship I’ve actually internally capped myself back into my old thought/behavior patterns as a way of not breaking my relationship. I specifically don’t want to break my relationship right now, because I have other priorities and when I’m chasing girls I become a complete womanizer.
My girlfriend is very supportive of my job, and I told her this week that I wasn’t able to do approaches anymore. She told me that she wanted me to separate my job and my relationship, and not to think about it as being related and to do what I needed to do to do a good job.
Tonight we were out and she mentioned to me that she wanted me to do approaches. I went and approached what I thought was the hottest girl in the club. I’m not sure what I’d rate her, but she was model quality. It was a guy/girl 2set and I got attraction fast by tooling her to the guy, which is something I don’t do often but on the occasion that I can sense that it will work it works amazingly well.
Immediately she was grabbing me, and I pushed her off of me which started the wheels turning. I went from nice to ignoring a few times, and then the final time that she grabbed at me I took her hands and pulled her up away from the guy. She told me “Let’s get out of here, it sucks in here”. For chodes reading this, that doesn’t mean sex. It just means the sarge is going well. Either way, I was really surprised.
The set was fast, probably because she was so hot and I find that only the hottest girls can be switched this quickly. It’s actually funny to me that guys are afraid to approach hot women, because I find that a 10 can be switched to full attraction in under 10 seconds while a 7 might take several hours to decide she wants sex with you. With a 10, they feel qualified from the beginning, and all you need is value. It’s the easiest approach in the club.
Anyway, this was a big jolt to me because it had been so long since I’d done this, that it was no longer within my reality. I had actually begun to think that maybe I never really had sex with that many girls and that I had been in a long term relationship my entire life. I didn’t “actually” think that, but on an emotional level I was taking on the patterns where I felt that way. It wasn’t on my mind – I was busy doing other things lately. It was just my reality, and something that I accepted.
I have found myself lately taking on many characteristics of a guy with social anxiety, which I think is something that I had before I got into the game. When I say “social anxiety”, I don’t mean in the classic sense of a guy who is really fucked up. What I mean is that I think that almost everyone suffers from social anxiety in our society. I think that most people do dumb shit like qualify themselves and respond emotionally when people downplay them and all that kind of stuff. I realize that this is common, but I don’t think it’s natural. I think it’s a product of our society, and that it totally sucks.
When I do an approach, I know beforehand if is going to work. I know by how I feel internally as I walk in. If I feel a certain way, then I know that I’ve taken on my pick up identity, and that the behaviors that attract women will flow naturally from there. If I feel a bit chodey, I know that my behaviors will flow from that point and that it won’t work.
When Chariot was here, it was when I just got into my long-term relationship. I was finding myself losing attraction in sets, and he was the first to point out that I was subtly breaking eye contact and looking at the ground more than usual. I actually consciously fixed it, and got attraction in all my sets from there. It was weird to see what a subtle difference it made. I thought “Shit, it’s that subtle?!”
It’s hard for me to imagine merging my two identities. I can’t really picture myself acting like I do in set all the time. In set, I’m wickedly funny, my speak clearly and my voice resonates perfectly, I control the frame, etc… Everything I say is fascinating, and every time I’m funny everyone responds. I’m in the moment and not reaction dependent. It’s like I’m a better person. But when I’m just hanging out, I’m more reserved and laid back. I don’t feel like that. My mind isn’t operating like that.
What’s weird, is that I don’t even know if I would want it to. I can’t focus intellectually when I’m in that mind state, because I’m working on purely emotional intelligence. When I sarge, I am purely in state, and I am not analytical whatsoever. I’m on autopilot. There is NO thinking.
I am an extremely analytical guy in general. Probably one of the most analytical guys I know. It’s kind of obnoxious but it’s also a talent. By not going out, I become more analytical. And as I become more analytical, I analytically look at myself and the self-critical thought loops are more at the forefront. When I’m emotional, I don’t feel those kinds of things. I’ve learned to eliminate them, but only when I’m in that state.
Either way, my focus now is not on sarging as that is a temporary fix. It is very clear to me that I need to sort this out by other means.
On some levels, it is not a priority. Business wise, I am actually doing better as a super analytical hermit. But internally, it is not something that I would be interested in doing for a long period of time.